At a Love Standstill

I don’t know how to live between the borders of black and white, I usually veer to one side or another, but I never stay too long within that gray area. I’ve often told myself that I was built this way. I’m very linear in the way I do things and this also applies to the affairs of the heart. I’ve always been in awe of women who can juggle a multitude of men and have a “laissez-faire” attitude about it. I, on the other hand, become too invested or not invested at all – trust me I’ve tried. It’s not so much being unable to divide my attention, I can definitely multi-task, but I like to know from the get-go the direction in which something is going and which path we’ll be travelling to arrive to the set destination. My mind works best when I know that it’s all play or it’s all games, but I can’t explain away existing in the shades of gray, the in-betweens, the what-ifs, and the maybes. Is it irrational? Very. Yet, this has been my lived experience. I’m too familiar with that strange look that comes upon a male friend’s face when I blurt out: “You can’t flirt with me, you’re like my brother!” I find it quite incestuous when someone who has been put in the category of friend-only attempts to hit me with his best pickup line. Did we have a conversation establishing a change in our status? Have we recently determined that we are moving from just friends to the friends-with-benefit zone where such flirtation is permitted? Or did you not get the memo from the many times I’ve brushed off your minor advances that it’s either sibling territory or you do me – it’s as simple as that. I’m attracted to individuals who are decisive and who are quick to lay out the plans that they have for me. I appreciate undeviating focus where all actions are rationalized and no step is taken without some sense of loyalty to – dare I say – our mission, where the circumstances have been made very clear and we are bound to our chosen destiny. This can be compared to walking a tight rope and, as stringent as this may be, it helps establish order in my life – everything has its place. You may begin to wonder “Who has hurt you that you’re not allowing yourself to breathe?” and “What has pushed you to tie the corset of life so tight around your waist that you can hardly catch a breath?” Must there always be a reason for all actions? Can we not simply be born this way? I believe that I was, but certain events brought out more of what was already there, more of whom I am.

But why deviate from the plan? Do you take pleasure in disorderly conduct? Does it bring you joy watching me trudge haphazardly along the way – confused, unsure… scared?  As much as we may be unable to control individual situations, order and the need to categorize bring relief when in the realm of the unknown, don’t you think? It’s like the warmth of burning firewood after wandering off into an unfamiliar wooded area. It’s not so much the heat itself that comforts you, but the familiarity of a warm place. So, rather than venturing off in multiple directions, I will continue to be led one way and I will continue to categorize each participant in my game of life. It’s not where we began, but only our endpoint that matters.

But is there room for me to explore? It only takes one person to plant a seed that will make me doubt my logical processes. Will it be you? Will you be the one to untie the strings of my corset?

Please do, and hurry – I’ve been waiting to exhale.



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