Post Break-Up Rituals

Chewed Him Up and Spat Him Out

“Elle get out of bed. When was the last time you showered?”
“I can’t get out of bed and I don’t know.”
“How many boxes?”
“Two. Only two boxes of pizza this time.”
“Get it together! He’s just a man! What is this like day four?!”

More like day seven. I like to feel my pain completely through. After a break-up, I want to wallow in my sorrow before I can get back to being myself. My self-pity food of choice is pizza. Lots and lots of pizza. With every bite, I recall a story. I start talking to myself about the good and the bad, chewing him out of life with every bite I take. It doesn’t stop there, I also play sad music. I need to really and I mean really, really feel it. “Un-break My Heart” by Toni Braxton usually does the trick, but “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey is my break-up jam.

There was a summer when my roommate and I had our hearts broken by boyfriends who happened to have the same name. So, everyday, she would play the acoustic guitar while I would play the classical guitar and we’d belt out Mariah’s hit. Our third roommate would come home, open the door to the room, peek inside and get the hell out of there. And this went on and on and on. If you’re reading this third roommate, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

Then, once I’m done listening to Mariah, I usually order one more box of pizza and watch some romantic comedies or a Sex and the City episode. And, to add to the torture, I load the most heart-wrenching episodes I can find, you know the ones where Big breaks Carrie’s heart for like the millionth time. The episode where he heads to Paris for a work assignment, but chooses not to make his relationship with Carrie a priority usually does the trick. The one where she throws a Big Mac in his face – that scene is everything! There’s also the one where he had open heart surgery and just when she thought he’d give her the happy ending she deserved, he broke her heart into tiny little pieces. There does come a point where I get tired of it all. Where I’m just tired of my bloated face, tired of my puffy eyes and I know it’s time to get up. I get up and I shower, put some makeup on because it’s time to get back to conquering the world. I might take a spoonful of vanilla cake icing on my way out, but hey, at least I’m out of bed.

Do you have any post-breakup rituals? Share below!


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