I attended a yoga/relationship workshop last year that recently came to mind because of all this breakup talk. I thought I’d share with you what I had learned and the perspective I constantly try to live by. The relationship expert had explained that break ups are hard because of the emotional attachment. The relationship is something familiar so it’s only natural to delay the inevitable, but we must always challenge the people and things in our lives in order to improve and empower ourselves. Sometimes we are scared to be alone and we’re addicted to the relationship because it’s serving us in one way or another, even when it’s emotionally draining. Since it’s serving us, we rationalize and justify our decision to stay. At times, it’s the fear of being alone so we feel the need to keep this person around until someone better comes along, rather than keeping the space empty, we depend on the relationship.
I spoke to the speaker after the event wanting her perspective on my situation. I had made a decision recently to not date for a year. I needed to cleanse, but I also wanted to get to a place where I trusted myself to make the best choices relationship wise. I was proud of myself for stepping away from the relationship world for a while, but after my conversation, it was clear that my decision was rooted in fear and insecurities.
I had been dating the same type of guy over and over again, the type we would characterize as bad boys. She explained how this behaviour could wear on my self-esteem and it was important to understand the reasons why I had found these guys attractive. They were emotionally unavailable and it was a challenge – they were a prize to be won. They were the cream of the crop and somehow I depended on them to make me feel good, but they were unable to give me the attention I needed. She also explained that when a good guy is giving me the attention I rightly need, I may feel compelled to push him away because I don’t understand this sudden surge of positivity. As a result, I return to a person who will accurately mirror how I feel about myself and the treatment I believe I deserve.
So, was I taking a break because I really wanted to focus on myself or was I closing my heart to remain in control and avoid another painful heartache I believed I couldn’t handle? I had an ah-ha moment and I realized I needed to break up with the fear of being vulnerable again. I was scared to fall back into unhealthy patterns so I avoided relationships altogether, but how was I going to know how far I had come? I knew deep down I wanted more and I also knew I could control the pace and walk away when it didn’t feel right. I had the power to guard my heart, but if I did hurt again, it’d be okay because I know I’m stronger than what I credit myself for. I also needed to get to a point where I loved myself enough to accept my past and my imperfections, but to also be aware of how far I’d come.
As soon as I decided to open up my heart again, I began meeting people who found beauty in my imperfections and who were willing to hold my hand through the process. I didn’t need to be perfect first, I was perfect to them just as I was. When someone really wants you, who you are in that moment will be enough.
Interestingly, she had mentioned that we can predict how we feel about someone within 7 seconds of meeting them. So, she pushed me to trust my gut instinct. She also said I should go out there and date. Further, to not be afraid to date men that I wouldn’t normally be interested in and to learn to have honest hour-long conversations with them to really learn what it is I need. It was time to get more experience, the good kind of course. This does not mean I need to be invested, if it works then fine and if it doesn’t, I move on.
So, I’ve decided to let go of the fear of being vulnerable, comment below and let me know what you’ll be breaking up with!